Please take note that the following post has strong language.
I haven’t moved on from M—. How can someone whom I broke up with for such apparent good reason still plague my brain six years later? Because...because...because...the crescendo of the Bad Plus’s “In Stitches” is begging for an answer. Because I was so hopeless then and I’m better now, except I’m not. Because it was the greatest loss ever caused by my own shitty internal rage and inability to maintain a healthy relationship with someone. She may not have been much better, but that’s no excuse for failing something that could have been awesome. And she would have stuck it through. To what end? This is past tense now. Present tense: Why is someone from six years ago plagueing my brain today? Am I supposed to be trying to get M— back? Is this a rediculously unhealthy obsession with one particular memory? Chad Vangaalen has just arrived to help me with these questions. Chad:
“We could sit around this fire / let our spirits ride on out / We could watch the flame get higher /I could see it in your eyes / this was on the rise.”
Nice lyrics. Does nothing to help me.
Chad: “If you see her let her know I made it. If you catch her, tell her that I’m in. We sit and wonder, if you’re special by design.”
I’m a sattelite from the creative life that I had with M—. I’m an experiment that wandered away from the lab. I don’t know if Chad’s helping.
Chad: “Somewhere, I know you’re somewhere, somewhere in the unsailed sea. Nothing, there’s nothing...” —no, I’m not writing the line right. It means nothing anyway.
The oboes playing right now at the end of the song are where the answers are. They sound like her smiling.